“I am nothing, but I have you”

The bhakta always feels, “I am very unqualified, but my Guru is highly qualified.”

 

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The bhakta always feels, “I am very unqualified, but my Guru is highly qualified.” This is their feeling, on two sides.

āpane ayogya dekhi’ mane pāṅ kṣobha
tathāpi tomāra guṇe upajaya lobha
(Sri Chaitanya-charitamrta: 2.1.204)

“I feel I am very unqualified, I am a fallen soul, I have everything bad, but you are very glorious and you have all qualifications, you have transcendental power, and you can remove my darkness at any moment, so I do not want to leave your lotus feet. I may be a fallen soul, but from there I will see your lotus feet.”

Like the chatak bird: “I shall not go anywhere. I must see your lotus feet. I need your blessings.” We must always try to keep this type of faith in heart, and one day must come for our benefit. That day is our day, and we are waiting for that day. Then, there is no problem. I am always saying, “No problem.”

I know what is the problem for the conditioned souls. I am a conditioned soul, and so I know what is the problem for conditioned souls. But when I am looking at my divine master and his glory, then I can say, no problem. Within one second every darkness can go through his shining light. Then there is no problem. Only wait and see. Wait and see what Krishna’s play will be.

Sometimes fault can give us great benefit. Fault can benefit us but who is in garva-parvat [a mountain of pride] cannot get that benefit. A fallen soul may get very high benefit, but an auspicious soul may not get that, because an auspicious soul has some ego.

I am very satisfied with my Guru Maharaj. I am very satisfied, and I feel that that is sufficient for me. What feeling I have, I can say, but that will sound like a madman, so I do not want to say that; but if there is a chair, or a table, or a door in front of me, I will feel it. I will eat, and not feel it?—it is not possible. When I eat I must feel that my belly is becoming full, my health is becoming stronger, and my mind is going up.

Devotee: In Chaitanya-charitamrta there is the story of when Kalidas went to Jhaḍhu Ṭhākur and asked him for his prasad; Jhaḍhu Ṭhākur said, “You are a brahman, and I am not a brahman, so how can you take my prasad?” Then Kalidas quoted some verses about the position of a Vaishnava, but Jhaḍhu Ṭhākur said, “No, I am not a Vaishnava, these verses are not for me. What you are saying is true, but not for me.”

Srila Govinda Maharaj: His feeling must go in this way. Who is a Vaishnava, who is big, when he sees the very biggest thing he must think, “I am much smaller than this.”

Devotee: I know that with Harinam, if one has very bad samskar, it’s not important. But sometimes a person with bad samskar can be very strongly covered by maya, and so  sometimes I think that although Harinam is very great and the mercy of Guru is very great, because I am fool number one, a complete fool, Harinam and Guru must be keeping distance from me.

Srila Govinda Maharaj: Once this type of question came to Srila Bhakti Siddhanta Saraswati Thakur from his disciple, and Srila Bhakti Siddhanti Saraswati Thakur thrice asked him, “You feel you have nothing, no bhakti, that what you are doing is not really beneficial? You don’t feel that you are getting anything—this feeling is very strong in your mind?” Then Saraswati Thakur said, “Then you are getting something, and it is okay for you. Go.” This was on the roof of Bagh Bazaar Gaudiya Math, I heard from Guru Maharaj.

na prema-gandho ’sti darāpi me harau
krandāmi saubhāgya-bharaṁ prakāśitum
vaṁśī-vilāsy-ānana-lokanaṁ vinā
bibharmi yat prāṇa-pataṅgakān vṛthā
(Sri Chaitanya-charitamrta 2.2.45)

[“I do not have even a trace of love for Krishna. Still, I cry to show that I have a great fortune. Without a glimpse of the face of that Flute Player, I carry on My meaningless, insect-like life.”]

When Mahaprabhu himself says, “I do not have even a little drop of prema for Krishna”, if Mahaprabhu is showing this feeling to us, then who are we? We must try to follow those feelings.

Srila Bhakti Sundar Govinda Dev-Goswami Maharaj speaking in December of 1989.

Reference:

virachaya mayi daṇḍaṁ dīna-bandho dayām vā
gatir iha na bhavattaḥ kāchid anyā mamāsti
nipatatu śata-koṭir-nirbharaṁ vā navāmbhaḥ
tad api kila-payodaḥ stūyate chātakena

(Srila Rupa Goswami)

“O Friend of the needy, whether You chastise me or reward me, in the whole wide world I have no other shelter but You. Whether the thunderbolt strikes or torrents of fresh waters shower down, the chatak bird (who drinks only the falling rainwater) perpetually goes on singing the glories of the raincloud.”

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