Where is the Lord of My life, who is playing His flute? What shall I do now? Where should I go to find the son of Mahārāj Nanda?
A rare, beautiful recording of Srila Gurudev chanting the verses of chapter two of the Madhya-lila of Sri Chaitanya-charitamrta, describing Sriman Mahaprabhu’s depth of divine love.
This recording was made by Sripad Srutasrava Prabhu (who later became Sripad Bhakti Sharan Vaishnav Maharaj) when His Divine Grace spontaneously recited the full chapter one day. Srutasrava only caught the second part, however, and later requested Srila Gurudev to chant the first half. He then spliced the two recordings together–which explains some disjointedness in this audio file.
vichchhede ’smin prabhor antya-līlā-sūtrānuvarṇane
gaurasya kṛṣṇa-vichchheda-pralāpādy anuvarṇyate
While relating in synopsis form the last division of the Pastimes of Lord Chaitanya Mahāprabhu, in this chapter I shall describe the Lord’s transcendental ecstasy, which appears like madness due to His separation from Krishna.
jaya jaya śrī-chaitanya jaya nityānanda
jayādvaitachandra jaya gaura-bhakta-vṛnda
All glories to Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu! All glories to Lord Nityānanda! All glories to Advaitachandra! And all glories to all the devotees of the Lord!
śeṣa ye rahila prabhura dvādaśa vatsara
kṛṣṇera viyoga-sphūrti haya nirantara
During His last twelve years, Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu always manifested all the symptoms of ecstasy in separation from Krishna.
śrī-rādhikāra cheṣṭā yena uddhava-darśane
ei-mata daśā prabhura haya rātri-dine
Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu’s state of mind, day and night, was practically identical to Rādhārāṇī’s state of mind when Uddhava came to Vṛndāvan to see the gopīs.
nirantara haya prabhura viraha-unmāda
bhrama-maya cheṣṭā sadā, pralāpa-maya vāda
The Lord constantly exhibited a state of mind reflecting the madness of separation. All His activities were based on forgetfulness, and His talks were always based on madness.
roma-kūpe raktodgama, danta saba hāle
kṣaṇe aṅga kṣīṇa haya, kṣaṇe aṅga phule
Blood flowed from all the pores of His body, and all His teeth were loosened. At one moment His whole body became slender, and at another moment His whole body became fat.
gambhīrā-bhitare rātre nāhi nidrā-lava
bhitte mukha-śira ghaṣe, kṣata haya saba
The small room beyond the corridor is called the Gambhīrā. Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu used to stay in that room, but He did not sleep for a moment. All night He used to grind His mouth and head on the wall, and His face sustained injuries all over.
tina dvāre kapāṭa, prabhu yāyena bāhire
kabhu siṁha-dvāre paḍe, kabhu sindhu-nīre
Although the three doors of the house were always closed, the Lord would nonetheless go out and sometimes would be found at the Jagannāth temple, before the gate known as Siṁha-dvāra. And sometimes the Lord would fall flat into the sea.
chaṭaka parvata dekhi’ ‘govardhana’ bhrame
dhāñā chale ārta-nāda kariyā krandane
Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu would also run very fast across the sand dunes, mistaking them for Govardhan. As He ran, He would wail and cry loudly.
upavanodyāna dekhi’ vṛndāvana-jñāna
tāhāṅ yāi’ nāche, gāya, kṣaṇe mūrchchhā yā’na
Sometimes Chaitanya Mahāprabhu mistook the small parks of the city for Vṛndāvan. Sometimes He would go there, dance and chant and sometimes fall unconscious in spiritual ecstasy.
kāhāṅ nāhi śuni yei bhāvera vikāra
sei bhāva haya prabhura śarīre prachāra
The extraordinary transformations of the body due to transcendental feelings would never have been possible for anyone but the Lord, in whose body all transformations were manifest.
hasta-padera sandhi saba vitasti-pramāṇe
sandhi chhāḍi’ bhinna haye, charma rahe sthāne
The joints of His hands and legs would sometimes become separated by eight inches, and they remained connected only by the skin.
hasta, pada, śira saba śarīra-bhitare
praviṣṭa haya — kūrma-rūpa dekhiye prabhure
Sometimes Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu’s hands, legs and head would all enter within His body, just like the withdrawn limbs of a tortoise.
ei mata adbhuta-bhāva śarīre prakāśa
manete śūnyatā, vākye hā-hā-hutāśa
In this way Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu used to manifest wonderful ecstatic symptoms. His mind appeared vacant, and there were only hopelessness and disappointment in His words.
kāhāṅ mora prāṇa-nātha muralī-vadana
kāhāṅ karoṅ kāhāṅ pāṅ vrajendra-nandana
Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu used to express His mind in this way: “Where is the Lord of My life, who is playing His flute? What shall I do now? Where should I go to find the son of Mahārāj Nanda?
kāhāre kahiba, kebā jāne mora duḥkha
vrajendra-nandana vinu phāṭe mora buka
“To whom should I speak? Who can understand My disappointment? Without the son of Nanda Mahārāj, My heart is broken.”
ei-mata vilāpa kare vihvala antara
rāyera nāṭaka-śloka paḍe nirantara
In this way Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu always expressed bewilderment and lamented in separation from Krishna. At such times He used to recite the ślokas from Rāmānanda Rāy’s drama, known as Jagannātha-vallabha-nāṭaka.
prema-chchheda-rujo ’vagachchhati harir nāyaṁ na cha prema vā
sthānāsthānam avaiti nāpi madano jānāti no durbalāḥ
anyo veda na chānya-duḥkham akhilaṁ no jīvanaṁ vāśravaṁ
dvi-trāṇy eva dināni yauvanam idaṁ hā-hā vidhe kā gatiḥ
[Śrīmatī Rādhārāṇī used to lament:] “ ‘Our Krishna does not realise what We have suffered from injuries inflicted in the course of loving affairs. We are actually misused by love because love does not know where to strike and where not to strike. Even Cupid does not know of Our very much weakened condition. What should I tell anyone? No one can understand another’s difficulties. Our life is actually not under Our control, for youth will remain for two or three days and soon be finished. In this condition, O creator, what will be Our destination?’ ”
upajila premāṅkura, bhāṅgila ye duḥkha-pūra,
kṛṣṇa tāhā nāhi kare pāna
bāhire nāgara-rāja, bhitare śaṭhera kāja,
para-nārī vadhe sāvadhāna
[Śrīmatī Rādhārāṇī spoke thus, in distress due to separation from Krishna:] “Oh, what shall I say of My distress? After I met Krishna My loving propensities sprouted, but upon separating from Him I sustained a great shock, which is now continuing like the sufferings of a disease. The only physician for this disease is Krishna Himself, but He is not taking care of this sprouting plant of devotional service. What can I say about the behaviour of Krishna? Outwardly He is a very attractive young lover, but at heart He is a great cheat, very expert in killing others’ wives.”
sakhi he, nā bujhiye vidhira vidhāna
sukha lāgi’ kailuṅ prīta, haila duḥkha viparīta,
ebe yāya, nā rahe parāṇa
[Śrīmatī Rādhārāṇī continued lamenting about the consequences of loving Krishna:] “My dear friend, I do not understand the regulative principles given by the creator. I loved Krishna for happiness, but the result was just the opposite. I am now in an ocean of distress. It must be that now I am going to die, for My vital force no longer remains. This is My state of mind.
kuṭila premā ageyāna, nāhi jāne sthānāsthāna,
bhāla-manda nāre vichārite
krūra śaṭhera guṇa-ḍore, hāte-gale bāndhi’ more,
rākhiyāchhe, nāri’ ukāśite
“By nature loving affairs are very crooked. They are not entered with sufficient knowledge, nor do they consider whether a place is suitable or not, nor do they look forward to the results. By the ropes of His good qualities, Krishna, who is so unkind, has bound My neck and hands, and I am unable to get relief.
ye madana tanu-hīna, para-drohe paravīṇa,
pāṅcha bāṇa sandhe anukṣaṇa
abalāra śarīre, vindhi’ kaila jarajare,
duḥkha deya, nā laya jīvana
“In My loving affairs there is a person named Madan. His qualities are thus: Personally He possesses no gross body, yet He is very expert in giving pains to others. He has five arrows, and fixing them on His bow, He shoots them into the bodies of innocent women. Thus these women become invalids. It would be better if He took My life without hesitation, but He does not do so. He simply gives Me pain.
anyera ye duḥkha mane, anye tāhā nāhi jāne,
satya ei śāstrera vichāre
anya jana kāhāṅ likhi, nā jānaye prāṇa-sakhī,
yāte kahe dhairya dharibāre
“In the scriptures it is said that one person can never know the unhappiness in the mind of another. Therefore what can I say of My dear friends, Lalitā and the others? Nor can they understand the unhappiness within Me. They simply try to console Me repeatedly, saying, ‘Dear friend, be patient.’
‘kṛṣṇa — kṛpā-pārāvāra, kabhu karibena aṅgīkāra’
sakhi, tora e vyartha vachana
jīvera jīvana chañchala, yena padma-patrera jala,
tata dina jīve kon jana
“I say, ‘My dear friends, you are asking Me to be patient, saying that Krishna is an ocean of mercy and that some time in the future He will accept Me. However, I must say that this will not console Me. A living entity’s life is very flickering. It is like water on the leaf of a lotus flower. Who will live long enough to expect Krishna’s mercy?
śata vatsara paryanta, jīvera jīvana anta,
ei vākya kaha nā vichāri’
nārīra yauvana-dhana, yāre kṛṣṇa kare mana,
se yauvana-dina dui-chāri
“ ‘A human being does not live more than a hundred years. You should also consider that the youthfulness of a woman, which is the only attraction for Krishna, remains for only a few days.
agni yaichhe nija-dhāma, dekhāiyā abhirāma,
pataṅgīre ākarṣiyā māre
kṛṣṇa aichhe nija-guṇa, dekhāiyā hare mana,
pāchhe duḥkha-samudrete ḍāre
“ ‘If you say that Krishna is an ocean of transcendental qualities and therefore must be merciful some day, I can only say that He is like fire, which attracts moths by its dazzling brightness and kills them. Such are the qualities of Krishna. By showing Us His transcendental qualities, He attracts Our minds, and then later, by separating from Us, He drowns Us in an ocean of unhappiness.’ ”
eteka vilāpa kari’, viṣāde śrī-gaurahari,
ughāḍiyā duḥkhera kapāṭa
bhāvera taraṅga-bale, nānā-rūpe mana chale,
āra eka śloka kaila pāṭha
In this way, Lord Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu lamented in a great ocean of sadness, and thus He opened the doors of His unhappiness. Forced by the waves of ecstasy, His mind wandered over transcendental mellows, and He recited another verse [as follows].
vyarthāni me ’hāny akhilendriyāṇy alam
bibharmi vā tāni kathaṁ hata-trapaḥ
“ ‘My dear friends, unless I serve the transcendental form, qualities and pastimes of Śrī Krishna, all My days and all My senses will become entirely useless. Now I am uselessly bearing the burden of My senses, which are like stone blocks and dried wood. I do not know how long I will be able to continue without shame.’
ye nā dekhe se chāṅda vadana
se nayane kibā kāja, paḍuka tāra muṇḍe vāja,
se nayana rahe ki kāraṇa
“Of what use are the eyes of one who does not see the face of Krishna, which resembles the moon and is the birthplace of all beauty and the reservoir of the nectarean songs of His flute? Oh, let a thunderbolt strike his head! Why does he keep such eyes?
sakhi he, śuna, mora hata vidhi-bala
mora vapu-chitta-mana, sakala indriya-gaṇa,
kṛṣṇa vinu sakala viphala
“My dear friends, please hear Me. I have lost all providential strength. Without Krishna, My body, consciousness and mind, as well as all My senses, are useless.
kṛṣṇera madhura vāṇī, amṛtera taraṅgiṇī,
tāra praveśa nāhi ye śravaṇe
kāṇākaḍi-chhidra sama, jāniha se śravaṇa,
tāra janma haila akāraṇe
“Topics about Krishna are like waves of nectar. If such nectar does not enter one’s ear, the ear is no better than the hole of a damaged conchshell. Such an ear is created for no purpose.
kṛṣṇera adharāmṛta, kṛṣṇa-guṇa-charita,
tāra svāda ye nā jāne, janmiyā nā maila kene,
se rasanā bheka jihvā sama
“The nectar from the lips of Lord Krishna and His transcendental qualities and characteristics surpass the taste of the essence of all nectar, and there is no fault in tasting such nectar. If one does not taste it, he should die immediately after birth, and his tongue is to be considered no better than the tongue of a frog.
mṛga-mada nīlotpala, milane ye parimala,
yei hare tāra garva-māna
hena kṛṣṇa-aṅga-gandha, yāra nāhi se sambandha,
sei nāsā bhastrāra samāna
“One’s nostrils are no better than the bellows of a blacksmith if one has not smelled the fragrance of Krishna’s body, which is like the aroma of musk combined with that of the bluish lotus flower. Indeed, such combinations are actually defeated by the aroma of Krishna’s body.
tāra sparśa yena sparśa-maṇi
tāra sparśa nāhi yāra, se yāuk chhārakhāra,
sei vapu lauha-sama jāni
“The palms of Krishna’s hands and the soles of His feet are so cool and pleasant that they can be compared only to the light of millions of moons. One who has touched such hands and feet has indeed tasted the effects of touchstone. If one has not touched them, his life is spoiled, and his body is like iron.”
kari’ eta vilapana, prabhu śachī-nandana,
ughāḍiyā hṛdayera śoka
dainya-nirveda-viṣāde, hṛdayera avasāde,
punarapi paḍe eka śloka
Lamenting in this way, Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu opened the doors of grief within His heart. Morose, humble and disappointed, He recited a verse again and again with a despondent heart.
yadā yāto daivān madhu-ripur asau lochana-pathaṁ
tadāsmākaṁ cheto madana-hatakenāhṛtam abhūt
punar yasminn eṣa kṣaṇam api dṛśor eti padavīṁ
vidhāsyāmas tasminn akhila-ghaṭikā ratna-khachitāḥ
“ ‘If by chance the transcendental form of Krishna comes before My path of vision, My heart, injured from being beaten, will be stolen away by Cupid, happiness personified. Because I could not see the beautiful form of Krishna to My heart’s content, when I again see His form I shall decorate the phases of time with many jewels.’
ye kāle vā svapane, dekhinu vaṁśī-vadane,
sei kāle āilā dui vairi
‘ānanda’ āra ‘madana’, hari’ nila mora mana,
dekhite nā pāinu netra bhari’
“Whenever I had the chance to see Lord Krishna’s face and His flute, even in a dream, two enemies would appear before Me. They were pleasure and Cupid, and since they took away My mind, I was not able to see the face of Krishna to the full satisfaction of My eyes.
punaḥ yadi kona kṣaṇa, karāya kṛṣṇa daraśana
tabe sei ghaṭī-kṣaṇa-pala
diyā mālya-chandana, nānā ratna-ābharaṇa,
alaṅkṛta karimu sakala
“If by chance such a moment comes when I can once again see Krishna, then I shall worship those seconds, moments and hours with flower garlands and pulp of sandalwood and decorate them with all kinds of jewels and ornaments.”
kṣaṇe bāhya haila mana, āge dekhe dui jana,
tāṅre puchhe, — āmi nā chaitanya?
svapna-prāya ki dekhinu, kibā āmi pralāpinu,
tomarā kichhu śuniyāchha dainya?
In an instant, Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu regained external consciousness and saw two persons before Him. Questioning them, He asked, “Am I conscious? What dreams have I been seeing? What craziness have I spoken? Have you heard some expressions of humility?”
śuna mora prāṇera bāndhava
nāhi kṛṣṇa-prema-dhana,—daridra mora jīvana,
dehendriya vṛthā mora saba
Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu continued, “My dear friends, you are all My life and soul; therefore I tell you that I possess no wealth of love for Krishna. Consequently My life is poverty-stricken. My limbs and senses are useless.”
punaḥ kahe, — hāya hāya, śuna, svarūpa-rāmarāya,
ei mora hṛdaya-niśchaya
śuni karaha vichāra, haya, naya — kaha sāra,
eta bali’ śloka uchchāraya
Again He addressed Svarūp Dāmodar and Rāy Rāmānanda, speaking despondently: “Alas! My friends, you can now know the certainty within My heart, and after knowing My heart you should judge whether I am correct or not. You can speak of this properly.” Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu then began to chant another verse.
ka-i-avarahi-aṁ pemmaṁ ṇa hi hoi māṇuse loe
ja-i hoi kassa virahe hontammi ko jīa-i
“ ‘Love of Godhead, devoid of cheating propensities, is not possible within this material world. If there is such a love, there cannot be separation, for if there is separation, how can one live?’
akaitava kṛṣṇa-prema, yena jāmbūnada-hema,
sei premā nṛloke nā haya
yadi haya tāra yoga, nā haya tabe viyoga,
viyoga haile keha nā jīyaya
“Pure love for Krishna, just like gold from the Jāmbū River, does not exist in human society. If it existed, there could not be separation. If separation were there, one could not live.”
eta kahi’ śachī-suta, śloka paḍe adbhuta,
śune duṅhe eka-mana hañā
āpana-hṛdaya-kāja, kahite vāsiye lāja,
tabu kahi lāja-bīja khāñā
Thus speaking, the son of Śrīmatī Śachīmātā recited another wonderful verse, and Rāmānanda Rāy and Svarūp Dāmodar heard this verse with rapt attention. Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu said, “I feel shameful to disclose the activities of My heart. Nonetheless, I shall be done with all formalities and speak from the heart. Please hear.”
na prema-gandho ’sti darāpi me harau
krandāmi saubhāgya-bharaṁ prakāśitum
bibharmi yat prāṇa-pataṅgakān vṛthā
Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu continued, “ ‘My dear friends, I have not the slightest tinge of love of Godhead within My heart. When you see Me crying in separation, I am just falsely exhibiting a demonstration of My great fortune. Indeed, not seeing the beautiful face of Krishna playing His flute, I continue to live My life like an insect, without purpose.’
dūre śuddha-prema-gandha, kapaṭa premera bandha,
seha mora nāhi kṛṣṇa-pāya
tabe ye kari krandana, sva-saubhāgya prakhyāpana,
kari, ihā jāniha niśchaya
“Actually, My love for Krishna is far, far away. Whatever I do is actually an exhibition of pseudo love of Godhead. When you see Me cry, I am simply falsely demonstrating My great fortune. Please try to understand this beyond a doubt.
yāte vaṁśī-dhvani-sukha, nā dekhi’ se chāṅda mukha,
yadyapi nāhika ‘ālambana’
nija-dehe kari prīti, kevala kāmera rīti,
prāṇa-kīṭera kariye dhāraṇa
“Even though I do not see the moonlike face of Krishna as He plays on His flute, and although there is no possibility of My meeting Him, still I take care of My own body. That is the way of lust. In this way, I maintain My fly-like life.
kṛṣṇa-premā sunirmala, yena śuddha-gaṅgā-jala,
sei premā — amṛtera sindhu
nirmala se anurāge, nā lukāya anya dāge,
śukla-vastre yaichhe masī-bindu
“Love for Lord Krishna is very pure, just like the waters of the Ganges. That love is an ocean of nectar. That pure attachment to Krishna does not conceal any spot, which would appear just like a spot of ink on a white cloth.
śuddha-prema-sukha-sindhu, pāi tāra eka bindu,
sei bindu jagat ḍubāya
kahibāra yogya naya, tathāpi bāule kaya,
kahile vā kebā pātiyāya
“Unalloyed love of Krishna is like an ocean of happiness. If someone gets one drop of it, the whole world can drown in that drop. It is not befitting to express such love of Godhead, yet a madman must speak. But even though he speaks, no one believes him.”
ei mata dine dine, svarūpa-rāmānanda-sane,
nija-bhāva karena vidita
bāhye viṣa-jvālā haya, bhitare ānanda-maya,
kṛṣṇa-premāra adbhuta charita
In this way, Lord Chaitanya used to revel in ecstasy day after day and exhibit these ecstasies before Svarūp and Rāmānanda Rāy. Externally there appeared severe tribulation, as if He were suffering from poisonous effects, but internally He was experiencing bliss. This is characteristic of transcendental love of Krishna.
ei premā-āsvādana, tapta-ikṣu-charvaṇa,
mukha jvale, nā yāya tyajana
sei premā yāṅra mane, tāra vikrama sei jāne,
viṣāmṛte ekatra milana
If one tastes such love of Godhead, he can compare it to hot sugarcane. When one chews hot sugarcane, his mouth burns, yet he cannot give it up. Similarly, if one has but a little love of Godhead, he can perceive its powerful effects. It can only be compared to poison and nectar mixed together.
pīḍābhir nava-kāla-kūṭa-kaṭutā-garvasya nirvāsano
nisyandena mudāṁ sudhā-madhurimāhaṅkāra-saṅkochanaḥ
premā sundari nanda-nandana-paro jāgarti yasyāntare
jñāyante sphuṭam asya vakra-madhurās tenaiva vikrāntayaḥ
Lord Chaitanya Mahāprabhu spoke, “ ‘My dear beautiful friend, if one develops love of Godhead, love of Krishna, the son of Nanda Mahārāj, all the bitter and sweet influences of this love will manifest in one’s heart. Such love of Godhead acts in two ways. The poisonous effects of love of Godhead defeat the severe and fresh poison of the serpent. Yet there is simultaneously transcendental bliss, which pours down and defeats the pride of nectar and diminishes its value. In other words, love of Krishna is so powerful that it simultaneously defeats the poisonous effects of a snake, as well as the happiness derived from pouring nectar on one’s head. It is perceived as doubly effective, simultaneously poisonous and nectarean.’ ”
ye kāle dekhe jagannātha- śrīrāma-subhadrā-sātha, tabe jāne — āilāma kurukṣetra
saphala haila jīvana, dekhiluṅ padma-lochana,
When Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu would see Jagannāth along with Balarām and Subhadrā, He would immediately think that He had reached Kurukṣetra, where all of them had come. He would think that His life was successful because He had seen the lotus-eyed one, whom, if seen, pacifies the body, mind and eyes.
garuḍera sannidhāne, rahi’ kare daraśane,
se ānandera ki kahiba ba’le
garuḍa-stambhera tale, āchhe eka nimna khāle,
se khāla bharila aśru-jale
Staying near the Garuḍa-stambha, the Lord would look upon Lord Jagannāth. What can be said about the strength of that love? On the ground beneath the column of the Garuḍa-stambha was a deep ditch, and that ditch was filled with the water of His tears.
tāhāṅ haite ghare āsi’, māṭīra upare vasi’,
nakhe kare pṛthivī likhana
hā-hā kāhāṅ vṛndāvana, kāhāṅ gopendra-nandana,
kāhāṅ sei vaṁśī-vadana
When coming from the Jagannāth temple to return to His house, Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu used to sit on the ground and mark it with His nails. At such times He would be greatly morose and would cry, “Alas, where is Vṛndāvan? Where is Krishna, the son of the King of the cowherd men? Where is that person who plays the flute?”
kāhāṅ se tri-bhaṅga-ṭhāma, kāhāṅ sei veṇu-gāna,
kāhāṅ sei yamunā-pulina
kāhāṅ se rāsa-vilāsa, kāhāṅ nṛtya-gīta-hāsa,
kāhāṅ prabhu madana-mohana
Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu used to lament by saying, “Where is Śrī Krishna, whose form is curved in three places? Where is the sweet song of His flute, and where is the bank of the Jamunā? Where is the rāsa dance? Where is that dancing, singing and laughing? Where is My Lord, Madana-mohan, the enchanter of Cupid?”
uṭhila nānā bhāvāvega, mane haila udvega,
kṣaṇa-mātra nāre goṅāite
prabala virahānale, dhairya haila ṭalamale,
nānā śloka lāgilā paḍite
In this way various ecstatic emotions evolved, and the mind of Chaitanya Mahāprabhu filled with anxiety. He could not escape even for a moment. In this way, because of fierce feelings of separation, His patience began to totter, and He began to recite various verses.
amūny adhanyāni dināntarāṇi
hare tvad-ālokanam antareṇa
hā hanta hā hanta kathaṁ nayāmi
“ ‘O My Lord, O Supreme Personality of Godhead, O friend of the helpless! You are the only ocean of mercy! Because I have not met You, My inauspicious days and nights have become unbearable. I do not know how I shall pass the time.’
tomāra darśana-vine, adhanya e rātri-dine,
ei kāla nā yāya kāṭana
tumi anāthera bandhu, apāra karuṇā-sindhu,
kṛpā kari’ deha daraśana
“All these inauspicious days and nights are not passing, for I have not met You. It is difficult to know how to pass all this time. But You are the friend of the helpless and an ocean of mercy. Kindly give Me Your audience, for I am in a precarious position.”
uṭhila bhāva-chāpala, mana ha-ila chañchala,
bhāvera gati bujhana nā yāya
adarśane poḍe mana, kemane pāba daraśana,
kṛṣṇa-ṭhāñi puchhena upāya
In this way, the Lord’s restlessness was awakened by ecstatic feelings, and His mind became agitated. No one could understand what course such ecstasy would take. Because Lord Chaitanya could not meet the Supreme Personality of Godhead, Krishna, His mind burned. He began to ask Krishna about the means by which He could reach Him.
tvach-chhaiśavaṁ tri-bhuvanādbhutam ity avehi
mach-chāpalaṁ cha tava vā mama vādhigamyam
tat kiṁ karomi viralaṁ muralī-vilāsi
mugdhaṁ mukhāmbujam udīkṣitum īkṣaṇābhyām
“ ‘O Krishna, O flute-player, the sweetness of Your early age is wonderful within these three worlds. You know My unsteadiness, and I know Yours. No one else knows about this. I want to see Your beautiful attractive face somewhere in a solitary place, but how can this be accomplished?’
tomāra mādhurī-bala, tāte mora chāpala,
ei dui, tumi āmi jāni
kāhāṅ karoṅ kāhāṅ yāṅ, kāhāṅ gele tomā pāṅ,
tāhā more kaha ta’ āpani
“My dear Krishna, only You and I know the strength of Your beautiful features and, because of them, My unsteadiness. Now, this is My position; I do not know what to do or where to go. Where can I find You? I am asking You to give directions.”
nānā-bhāvera prābalya, haila sandhi-śābalya,
bhāve-bhāve haila mahā-raṇa
autsukya, chāpalya, dainya, roṣāmarṣa ādi sainya,
premonmāda — sabāra kāraṇa
Because of the various kinds of ecstasy, contradictory states of mind occurred, and this resulted in a great fight between different types of ecstasy. Anxiety, impotence, humility, anger and impatience were all like soldiers fighting, and the madness of love of Godhead was the cause.
matta-gaja bhāva-gaṇa, prabhura deha — ikṣu-vana,
gaja-yuddhe vanera dalana
prabhura haila divyonmāda, tanu-manera avasāda,
bhāvāveśe kare sambodhana
The body of the Lord was just like a field of sugarcane into which the mad elephants of ecstasy entered. There was a fight amongst the elephants, and in the process the entire field of sugarcane was destroyed. Thus transcendental madness was awakened in the body of the Lord, and He experienced despondency in mind and body. In this ecstatic condition, He began to speak as follows.
he deva he dayita he bhuvanaika-bandho
he kṛṣṇa he chapala he karuṇaika-sindho
he nātha he ramaṇa he nayanābhirāma
hā hā kadā nu bhavitāsi padaṁ dṛśor me
“ ‘O My Lord! O dearest one! O only friend of the universe! O Krishna, O restless one, O only ocean of mercy! O My Lord, O My enjoyer, O beloved to My eyes! Alas, when will You again be visible to Me?’ ”
unmādera lakṣaṇa, karāya kṛṣṇa-sphuraṇa,
bhāvāveśe uṭhe praṇaya māna
solluṇṭha-vachana-rīti, māna, garva, vyāja-stuti,
kabhu nindā, kabhu vā sammāna
The symptoms of madness served as an impetus for remembering Krishna. The mood of ecstasy awoke love, disdain, defamation by words, pride, honour and indirect prayer. Thus Śrī Krishna was sometimes blasphemed and sometimes honoured.
tumi deva — krīḍā-rata, bhuvanera nārī yata,
tāhe kara abhīṣṭa krīḍana
tumi mora dayita, mote vaise tomāra chita,
mora bhāgye kaile āgamana
[In the attitude of Rādhārāṇī, Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu addressed Krishna:] “My dear Lord, You are engaged in Your Pastimes, and You utilise all the women in the universe according to Your desire. You are so kind to Me. Please divert Your attention to Me, for by fortune You have appeared before Me.
bhuvanera nārī-gaṇa, sabā’ kara ākarṣaṇa,
tāhāṅ kara saba samādhāna
tumi kṛṣṇa — chitta-hara, aichhe kona pāmara,
tomāre vā kebā kare māna
“My dear Lord, You attract all the women of the universe, and You make adjustments for all of them when they appear. You are Lord Krishna, and You can enchant everyone, but on the whole, You are nothing but a debauchee. Who can honour You?
tomāra chapala-mati, ekatra nā haya sthiti,
tā’te tomāra nāhi kichhu doṣa
tumi ta’ karuṇā-sindhu, āmāra parāṇa-bandhu,
tomāya nāhi mora kabhu roṣa
“My dear Krishna, Your mind is always restless. You cannot remain in one place, but You are not at fault for this. You are actually the ocean of mercy, the friend of My heart. Therefore I have no reason to be angry with You.
tumi nātha — vraja-prāṇa, vrajera kara paritrāṇa,
bahu kārye nāhi avakāśa
tumi āmāra ramaṇa, sukha dite āgamana,
e tomāra vaidagdhya-vilāsa
“My dear Lord, You are the master and the life and soul of Vṛndāvan. Kindly arrange for the deliverance of Vṛndāvan. We have no leisure hours away from our many activities. Actually, You are My enjoyer. You have appeared just to give Me happiness, and this is one of Your expert activities.
mora vākya nindā māni, kṛṣṇa chhāḍi’ gelā jāni,
śuna, mora e stuti-vachana
nayanera abhirāma, tumi mora dhana-prāṇa,
hā-hā punaḥ deha daraśana
“Taking My words as defamation, Lord Krishna has left Me. I know that He is gone, but kindly hear My prayers in praise: ‘You are the satisfaction of My eyes. You are My wealth and My life. Alas, please give Me your audience once again.’ ”
stambha, kampa, prasveda, vaivarṇya, aśru, svara-bheda,
deha haila pulake vyāpita
hāse, kānde, nāche, gāya, uṭhi’ iti uti dhāya,
kṣaṇe bhūme paḍiyā mūrchchhita
There were different transformations of the body of Lord Chaitanya Mahāprabhu: being stunned, trembling, perspiring, fading away of colour, weeping, and choking of the voice. In this way His whole body was pervaded by transcendental joy. As a result, sometimes Chaitanya Mahāprabhu would laugh, sometimes cry, sometimes dance and sometimes sing. Sometimes He would get up and run here and there, and sometimes fall on the ground and lose consciousness.
mūrchchhāya haila sākṣātkāra, uṭhi’ kare huhuṅkāra,
kahe — ei āilā mahāśaya
kṛṣṇera mādhurī-guṇe, nānā bhrama haya mane,
śloka paḍi’ karaye niśchaya
When Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu was thus unconscious, He happened to meet the Supreme Personality of Godhead. Consequently He got up and immediately made a tumultuous sound, very loudly declaring, “Now Krishna, the great personality, is present.” In this way, because of Krishna’s sweet qualities, Chaitanya Mahāprabhu made different types of mistakes in His mind. Thus by reciting the following verse, He ascertained the presence of Lord Krishna.
māraḥ svayaṁ nu madhura-dyuti-maṇḍalaṁ nu
mādhuryam eva nu mano-nayanāmṛtaṁ nu
veṇī-mṛjo nu mama jīvita-vallabho nu
kṛṣṇo ’yam abhyudayate mama lochanāya
In the attitude of Rādhārāṇī, Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu addressed the gopīs: “ ‘My dear friends, where is that Krishna, Cupid personified, who has the effulgence of a kadamba flower, who is sweetness itself, the nectar of My eyes and mind, He who loosens the hair of the gopīs, who is the supreme source of transcendental bliss and My life and soul? Has He come before My eyes again?’ ”
kibā ei sākṣāt kāma, dyuti-bimba mūrtimān,
ki mādhurya svayaṁ mūrtimanta
kibā mano-netrotsava, kibā prāṇa-vallabha,
satya kṛṣṇa āilā netrānanda
Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu then began to talk like this: “Is Cupid personified present with the effulgence and reflection of the kadamba tree? Is He the same person, personified sweetness, who is the pleasure of My eyes and mind, who is My life and soul? Has Krishna actually come before My eyes?”
guru — nānā bhāva-gaṇa, śiṣya — prabhura tanu-mana,
nānā rīte satata nāchāya
nirveda, viṣāda, dainya, chāpalya, harṣa, dhairya, manyu,
ei nṛtye prabhura kāla yāya
As the spiritual master chastises the disciple and teaches him the art of devotional service, so all the ecstatic symptoms of Lord Chaitanya Mahāprabhu — including despondency, moroseness, humility, restlessness, joy, endurance and anger — instructed His body and mind. In this way, Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu passed His time.
chaṇḍīdāsa, vidyāpati, rāyera nāṭaka-gīti,
svarūpa-rāmānanda-sane, mahāprabhu rātri-dine,
gāya, śune — parama ānanda
He also passed His time reading the books and singing the songs of Chaṇḍīdās and Vidyāpati, and listening to quotations from the Jagannātha-vallabha-nāṭaka, Kṛṣṇa-karṇāmṛta and Gīta-govinda. Thus in the association of Svarūp Dāmodar and Rāy Rāmānanda, Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu passed His days and nights chanting and hearing with great pleasure.
purīra vātsalya mukhya, rāmānandera śuddha-sakhya,
gadādhara, jagadānanda, svarūpera mukhya rasānanda,
ei chāri bhāve prabhu vaśa
Among His associates, Lord Chaitanya Mahāprabhu enjoyed paternal loving affection from Paramānanda Purī, friendly affection with Rāmānanda Rāy, unalloyed service from Govinda and others, and humors of conjugal love with Gadādhar, Jagadānanda and Svarūp Dāmodar. Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu enjoyed all these four mellows, and thus He remained obliged to His devotees.
līlāśuka — martya-jana, tāṅra haya bhāvodgama,
īśvare se — ki ihā vismaya
tāhe mukhya-rasāśraya, ha-iyāchhena mahāśaya,
tāte haya sarva-bhāvodaya
Līlāśuka [Bilvamaṅgala Ṭhākura] was an ordinary human being, yet he developed many ecstatic symptoms in his body. What, then, is so astonishing about these symptoms’ being manifest in the body of the Supreme Personality of Godhead? In the ecstatic mood of conjugal love, Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu was on the highest platform; therefore, all the exuberant ecstasies were naturally visible in His body.
pūrve vraja-vilāse, yei tina abhilāṣe,
yatneha āsvāda nā haila
śrī-rādhāra bhāva-sāra, āpane kari’ aṅgīkāra,
sei tina vastu āsvādila
During His previous Pastimes in Vṛndāvan, Lord Krishna desired to enjoy the three different types of ecstasy, but despite great endeavour, He could not taste them. Such ecstasies are the monopoly of Śrīmatī Rādhārāṇī. Therefore, in order to taste them, Śrī Krishna accepted the position of Śrīmatī Rādhārāṇī in the form of Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu.
āpane kari’ āsvādane, śikhāila bhakta-gaṇe,
prema-chintāmaṇira prabhu dhanī
nāhi jāne sthānāsthāna, yāre tāre kaila dāna,
mahāprabhu — dātā-śiromaṇi
By personally tasting the mellows of love of Godhead, Chaitanya Mahāprabhu taught His direct disciples the process. Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu is a wealthy capitalist possessing the touchstone of love of God. Not considering whether one is a proper or improper recipient, He gives His treasure to anyone and everyone. Thus He is the most munificent.
ei gupta bhāva-sindhu, brahmā nā pāya eka bindu,
hena dhana vilāila saṁsāre
aiche dayālu avatāra, aiche dātā nāhi āra,
guṇa keha nāre varṇibāre
No one, not even Lord Brahmā, can ascertain or even taste a drop of this confidential ocean of ecstasy, but Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu, out of His causeless mercy, has distributed this love of Godhead all over the world. Thus there cannot be any incarnation more munificent than Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu. There is no greater donor. Who can describe His transcendental qualities?
kahibāra kathā nahe, kahile keha nā bujhaye,
aichhe chitra chaitanyera raṅga
sei se bujhite pāre, chaitanyera kṛpā yāṅre,
haya tāṅra dāsānudāsa-saṅga
Such topics are not to be discussed freely because if they are, no one will understand them. Such are the wonderful Pastimes of Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu. Unto one who is able to understand, Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu has shown mercy by giving him the association of the servant of His own servant.
chaitanya-līlā-ratna-sāra, svarūpera bhāṇḍāra,
teṅho thuilā raghunāthera kaṇṭhe
tāhāṅ kichhu ye śuniluṅ, tāhā ihāṅ vistāriluṅ,
bhakta-gaṇe diluṅ ei bheṭe
The Pastimes of Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu are the topmost of jewels. They have been kept in the storehouse of Svarūp Dāmodar Goswāmī, who has explained them to Raghunāth Dās Goswāmī, who has repeated them to me. Whatever little I have heard from Raghunāth Dās Goswāmī I have described in this book, which is presented to all devotees.
yadi keha hena kaya, grantha kaila śloka-maya,
itara jane nāribe bujhite
prabhura yei ācharaṇa, sei kari varṇana,
sarva-chitta nāri ārādhite
If one says that Śrī Chaitanya-charitāmṛta is full of Sanskrit verses and therefore not understandable by a common man, I reply that what I have described are the Pastimes of Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu and that for me to satisfy everyone is not possible.
nāhi kāhāṅ savirodha, nāhi kāhāṅ anurodha,
sahaja vastu kari vivaraṇa
yadi haya rāgoddeśa, tāhāṅ haye āveśa,
sahaja vastu nā yāya likhana
In this Chaitanya-charitāmṛta there is no contradictory conclusion, nor is anyone else’s opinion accepted. I have written this book to describe the simple substance as I have heard it from superiors. If I become involved in someone’s likes and dislikes, I cannot possibly write the simple truth.
yebā nāhi bujhe keha, śunite śunite seha,
ki adbhuta chaitanya-charita
kṛṣṇe upajibe prīti, jānibe rasera rīti,
śunilei baḍa haya hita
If one does not understand in the beginning but continues to hear again and again the wonderful effects of Lord Chaitanya’s Pastimes will bring love for Krishna. Gradually one will come to understand the loving affairs between Krishna and the gopīs and other associates of Vṛndāvan. Everyone is advised to continue to hear over and over again in order to greatly benefit.
bhāgavata — śloka-maya, ṭīkā tāra saṁskṛta haya,
tabu kaichhe bujhe tri-bhuvana
ihāṅ śloka dui chāri, tāra vyākhyā bhāṣā kari,
kene nā bujhibe sarva-jana
In reply to those critics who say that Śrī Chaitanya-charitāmṛta is full of Sanskrit verses, it can be said that Śrīmad Bhāgavatam is also full of Sanskrit verses, as are the commentaries on Śrīmad Bhāgavatam. Nonetheless, Śrīmad Bhāgavatam can be understood by everyone, as well as by advanced devotees who study the Sanskrit commentaries. Why, then, will people not understand the Chaitanya-charitāmṛta? There are only a few Sanskrit verses, and these have been explained in the Bengali vernacular. What is the difficulty in understanding?
śeṣa-līlāra sūtra-gaṇa, kailuṅ kichhu vivaraṇa,
ihāṅ vistārite chitta haya
thāke yadi āyuḥ-śeṣa, vistāriba līlā-śeṣa,
yadi mahāprabhura kṛpā haya
I have already given a synopsis of all the facts and figures of Lord Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu’s last Pastimes, and I have a desire to describe them elaborately. If I remain longer and am fortunate enough to receive the mercy of Lord Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu, I shall try to describe them again more elaborately.
āmi vṛddha jarātura, likhite kāṅpaye kara,
mane kichhu smaraṇa nā haya
nā dekhiye nayane, nā śuniye śravaṇe,
tabu likhi’ — e baḍa vismaya
I have now become too old and disturbed by invalidity. While I write, my hands tremble. I cannot remember anything, nor can I see or hear properly. Still I write, and this is a great wonder.
ei antya-līlā-sāra, sūtra-madhye vistāra,
kari’ kichhu kariluṅ varṇana
ihā-madhye mari yabe, varṇite nā pāri tabe,
ei līlā bhakta-gaṇa-dhana
In this chapter I have to some extent described the essence of the Pastimes of Lord Chaitanya at the end. If I die in the meantime and cannot describe them in detail, at least the devotees will have this transcendental treasure.
saṅkṣepe ei sūtra kaila, yei ihāṅ nā likhila,
āge tāhā kariba vistāra
yadi tata dina jiye, mahāprabhura kṛpā haye,
ichchhā bhari’ kariba vichāra
In this chapter I have briefly described the antya-līlā. Whatever I have not described I shall describe extensively in the future. If by Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu’s mercy I live for so many days that I can fulfil my desires, I will give full consideration to these Pastimes.
chhoṭa baḍa bhakta-gaṇa, vandoṅ sabāra śrī-charaṇa,
sabe more karaha santoṣa
svarūpa-gosāñira mata, rūpa-raghunātha jāne yata,
tāi likhi’ nāhi mora doṣa
I worship herewith the lotus feet of all kinds of devotees, both advanced and neophyte. I request all of them to be satisfied with me. I am faultless because I have written herein whatever I have understood from Svarūp Dāmodar Goswāmī and Rūpa and Raghunāth Dās Goswāmīs. I have neither added to nor subtracted from their version.
śrī-chaitanya, nityānanda, advaitādi bhakta-vṛnda,
śire dhari sabāra charaṇa
svarūpa, rūpa, sanātana, raghunāthera śrī-charaṇa,
dhūli karoṅ mastake bhūṣaṇa
According to the paramparā system, I wish to take the dust from the lotus feet of Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu, Nityānanda Prabhu, Advaita Prabhu, and all the associates of Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu like Svarūp Dāmodar, Rūpa Goswāmī, Sanātan Goswāmī and Raghunāth Dās Goswāmī. I wish to take the dust of their lotus feet upon my head. In this way I wish to be blessed with their mercy.
pāñā yāṅra ājñā-dhana, vrajera vaiṣṇava-gaṇa,
vandoṅ tāṅra mukhya haridāsa
chaitanya-vilāsa-sindhu- kallolera eka bindu, tāra kaṇā kahe kṛṣṇa-dāsa
Receiving orders from the above authorities and the Vaiṣṇavas of Vṛndāvan, especially from Haridās, the priest of Govindajī, I, Kṛṣṇadās Kavirāj Goswāmī, have tried to describe one small particle of one drop of one wave of the ocean of the Pastimes of Śrī Chaitanya Mahāprabhu.
Verses reproduced with gratitude from http://www.vedabase.com